I’ll be honest with you… today’s one of those days where my faith feels like it’s hanging by a thread.
This setback—the cancer diagnosis—it hit me like a sucker punch I never saw coming. And deep down, there’s a part of me that wants to be mad at God. Yeah, I said it. I want to scream, “God, haven’t I done enough? Haven’t I tried to live right? To serve others? To give, even when I had little left for myself?”
And then… the darker thoughts creep in.
Is this some kind of punishment?
Am I paying for past mistakes?
For sins I thought I already laid at Your feet years ago?
I know, I know—church folks will tell you “God doesn’t punish like that,” or “Everything happens for a reason.” But when you’re the one in the storm, when your body is tired and your heart even more so… those words feel paper-thin.
I’m not proud of it, but I’ve caught myself replaying all the ways I failed: the times I hurt people, the selfish choices I made, the prayers I left unanswered because I was too busy chasing my own thing. And I wonder… is this the consequence?
But then, in the quiet—when the anger simmers down—I remember this:
“He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.”
(Psalm 103:10)
God isn’t out here keeping score like we do. He isn’t sitting on some throne with a ledger, waiting to drop the hammer the second we slip. That’s not His character. That’s not grace.
This diagnosis—it’s not God’s punishment. It’s a chapter in my story. One I didn’t ask for, but one I have to walk through anyway.
Maybe you’ve felt this too. That sting of unfairness. That “why me?” in your spirit. If so, let me remind you (and myself): God can handle your anger. Your questions don’t scare Him. Your tears don’t push Him away. In fact, they draw Him closer.
It’s okay to wrestle. Even Jesus cried out, “My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46). If the Son of God can question, surely we can too.
But don’t stay stuck there. Because grace says you’re not defined by your past, and this season doesn’t mean God has abandoned you. This isn’t the end.
I don’t know why this is happening. I may never know on this side of eternity. But I do know this:
God’s love hasn’t changed. His promises still stand. And even here—in this valley—I’m not walking alone.
So yeah, I want to be mad at God. But I’m learning to be real with Him instead. To bring my pain, my confusion, my fears… and lay them down.
Because He’s big enough to hold them all.
